


Haus in the Woods

by WrathoftheStag



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic), The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrathoftheStag/pseuds/WrathoftheStag
Summary: "Gather around, children, as Uncle Holtzy tells you a tale," Holster began. “A tale of how it would totally go down…”Holster retells the Cabin in the Woods to the Samwell gang, staring the Samwell gang.  Everyone "dies," but everyone lives!The Haus gang plan for a weekend at a cabin on the lake, but things don't always go as planned.  Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	Haus in the Woods

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so here's the thing. I wasn't sure how to tag this! Holster gathers the gang around for his retelling of _The Cabin in the Woods_. So, while they all die in his story, they don't die for real in the story. The gang is actually interjecting and adding their two cents throughout. Is it MCD? Yes? No? Maybe so? Use your judgment. I promise all of the SMH is alive and well at the end of the story and laughing about Holster's retelling. It's gory but not super gory! Really, it's more silly and cracky than anything. This will make more sense if you've seen the movie because I don't go deep into the backstory of the organization. 
> 
> The retelling is in italics and the real haus is in regular text.
> 
> I initially had this up for Halloween, but then took it down---but now it's up again. I love horror, and I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but that's okay. I wrote this mainly for me.

_“I'm sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then ended the world.”_

_“Nah, you were right. Humanity. It's time to give someone else a chance.”_

_“Giant evil gods...”_

_“Wish I coulda seen 'em.”_

_“I know. That would be a fun weekend.”_

The haus erupted into applause as their yearly pre-Halloween viewing of _The Cabin in the Woods_ came to an end. Everyone had piled on and around the green couch in the living room to watch. Popcorn bowls were on laps and tables, and unpopped kernels covered the floor. Jack actually had two days off, Shitty was able to get away from Harvard, and Holster, Ransom, Lardo, and Bitty made sure they finished their homework early that day. It all lined up perfectly. This was the third year in a row the gang had gotten together for what had become a fun tradition.

“It gets me every time,” Holster said as he dabbed at the corners of his eye.

“I know, dude. I know,” Ransom said while he rubbed Holster’s back.

“You know what I don't get? How could a group of nine-year-old girls have each of the archetypes?" Bitty said as he leaned against Jack a little closer. "That makes no sense at all."

"Remember that they said all cultures have different myths and beliefs and stuff?" Lardo said.

"Oh, right," Bitty replied. "Well, all I know is that if _we_ were in that situation, we would have figured it out, way sooner."

Holster snorted. "Have you met us?"

“Stuff it, mister,” Bitty said as Holster playfully flung some popcorn at him. “I have, and that’s why I believe in us.” 

Jack ducked and used Bitty as a human shield while Holster cackled and launched some more popcorn in their direction.

“I think Bitty Bits here has a point,” Shitty said as he plucked some popcorn off Bitty’s sleeve and ate it. “We definitely would have figured it out sooner.”

“At the very least we wouldn’t have separated from each other,” Jack replied.

“Yeah, but the point of the movie is that people are acting in a way they usually wouldn’t act,” Lardo said. “They’re totally manipulated. We’d be toast in a couple hours, tops.” 

“Holy shit, guys,” Holster grinned. “Can you imagine?”

Ransom jumped up and down on his cushion. “Do tell, brah!”

“Well, for starters, Jules and Curt would be Bitty and Jack.”

“Sweet,” Jack grinned, “I’m okay with that.”

“Jack as the athlete, big stretch there,” Ransom said.

“Wait, why am I the--you know?” Bitty asked as his ears turned red. He leaned in and whispered, “Whore.”

“Those two are the only ones in the movie that are a couple,” Holster said. “And you’re not the Virgin anymore, since you two got involved--”

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Bitty shouted.

The room filled with various, “Awwws!” as Bitty blushed.

“I guess I get to be pre-med?” Bitty said as he sounded like he was trying to hype himself up. 

“Sure,” Holster said. “Ransom, you’re the brains and the beauty, of course. So you’re Holden.”

“Of course,” he said as he fist-bumped Holster.

"Who would be Marty?" Shitty asked, genuinely curious. 

Everyone laughed as Lardo threw a pillow at him. "Shits, come on, man, you're Marty. Full stop."

“Which means, that Lards, my dude,” Holster said, “you’re the Virgin.”

“‘Swawesome,” she said with a huge grin.

Holster got up, cracked his knuckles, his neck, and sat on the coffee table.

"Gather around, children, as Uncle Holtzy tells you a tale," Holster began. “A tale of how it would totally go down…”

.

__

_In the beginning, there was nothing. And then, in the blink of an eye and the shout of a throat, there was the sky above and the earth below. And it was beautiful._

_But that beauty came at a price. The Ancient Ones, who were ancient even then, were spiteful, selfish beings who demanded allegiance, and above all compliance. A virgin in a volcano had done the trick, but now they wanted more. A village burnt to the ground, but now they wanted more. They wanted to be entertained, they wanted their bread and circus, and have their bloodlust sated._

_Several countries were responsible for that entertainment. They were the gatekeepers of our future. An allegiance for humanity, forged centuries ago. Each country knew, if the show failed to produce—failed to pay for humanity’s transgressions with the blood of youth—then there would indeed be blood._

_Everyone’s blood._

_**+** _

_“How was your kid’s birthday party?” Nicholas asked as he poured himself his third cup of coffee of the day._

_“He’s six. It was just as terrible as you’d expect it to be, but he was happy,” Jean-Claude said with a shrug._

_The two exited the staff lounge and made their way down a long, white, almost cavernous hallway. It looked like a concrete maze._

_“Lots of sugar, some crying, someone barfed. You know how it is,” Jean-Claude said._

_“No, I don’t,” Nicholas replied barely containing a shudder._

_“And for the big finale, we’re supposed to go camping tomorrow. So this shit better wrap-up quickly tonight. I don’t wanna hear it from the wife.”_

_“And that, my dear Nick, is why I’m not married,” Nicholas said as he shook his head._

__

.

“Hold on, hold on, hold on!” Lardo called out. “Nicholas and Jean-Claude? The dudes from your weird Hockey Shit thing?”

“Shhhh!” Ransom replied as he placed his index finger on Lardo’s lips. “Let the master speak.”

She smacked his hand away as Holster continued...

.

__

_Mandy exited from an office door and quickly sidled up next to Nick and Jean-Claude matching her pace to theirs. Mandy worked in the chem department of the organization and had become friendly with Nick and Jean-Claude over the years._

_“Did you hear? Stockholm? A big fat zero!” She did a dramatic thumbs down._

_“What? Holy shit! Last time I checked, they were doing okay,” Jean-Claude said._

_“They never complete anything,” Nicholas said as he pinched the bridge of his nose._

_“It’s just up to Japan and us,” Mandy added._

_“Again?” Jean-Claude replied. “I’m gonna need more coffee.”_

_“Luckily, our fabulous five is just about to head out,” Nick said._

_He unlocked a door with a swipe of his ID and was met by a military man._

_“Derek Nurse, sir. I’ll be doing security tonight.”_

_“No need to salute, Nurse. This ain’t no military party down here. No ‘sirs’ necessary but Nick here does like to be called ‘ma’am’,” Jean-Claude said._

_The trio settled into what appeared to be a large bi-level control room as Nurse surveyed the scene once again. Video screens, built-in monitors, switches, and dials, control panels of every kind filled the room._

_“Fasten your seatbelt, Nurse. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” Nick said. “But those dumbasses will get the job done and then we can celebrate and call it a night.”_

_Nurse frowned, trying to maintain his neutral military facade._

_Jean-Claude looked at him._

_“Buck up, Nurse. It is what it is, don’t go getting sentimental on me now,” he said._

_“I’m just here to run security,” Nurse said plainly. “It isn’t my place to judge, sir. I'll hold my post and see it through.”_

_“Not much else you gotta do,” Nick replied. “Stand watch, check ID's, keep the riff-raff out.”_

_Mandy smiled nervously at Nurse as she walked toward him. Jean-Claude and Nick settled into place, adjusting monitors, pressing buttons and high fiving each other._

_“They’re really not as blasé as they appear. It’s just something that needs to be done, you know? Each of those kids has a job, even if they don’t realize it.”_

_“So how do they get picked?” Nurse asked as he looked at one of the monitors which began to zoom in on a rickety frat house in what appeared to be a college campus._

_“We send scouting teams out three years in advance for each ritual. The people we pick have to know each other, they have to be young, beautiful, and they each have to fit the archetype. The Ancient Ones were clear about this,” Mandy said. “Very clear. We then nudge them along the way. Tamper with their drinks, their weed, their environment, adjust their food, heck, even their hair color. All of this to make them act in the way we want them to.”_

_Nurse frowned. “And they have no idea?”_

_Mandy shook her head. “None. Even when they are acting in every possible way that’s counterintuitive to who they are and what they believe, they still don’t know… Smart kids become total morons. Shy quiet types become boisterous and the center of attention. Gentle giants become absolute tools. We’re grateful, though. Poor kids. They’ll never know how grateful we are.”_

_Nurse watched as a kid with a mustache sat on the steps of the house and fiddled with a travel mug._

_“Chill,” Nurse muttered sadly._

_“All right, the show is getting started,” Jean-Claude called out as they all looked at the largest screen and the unsuspecting group of five friends who had no idea of what was in store for them..._

_**+** _

_“Look, all I’m saying is that if Professor Douche is douchey enough to want to be inappropriate with a student, then that’s not someone you want to be associating with, hun,” Bitty said as he sat on the edge of Lardo’s bed._

_The two were getting ready for a weekend getaway at Jack’s cousin’s cabin. The trip had served to distract Lardo from her mini heartbreak, and to let off some steam before finals. Lardo had been almost-dating her anatomy and illustration prof, against everyone’s better judgment. Bitty had tried to dissuade her, as did Jack and Shitty._

_“That guy was nothing but bad news, Lards,” Shitty had warned._

_And now, she sat, dejected, and feeling stupid after she saw him kissing someone else in the class at Jerry’s._

_“Thank god nothing ever happened. Shit, what a damn cliché I would have been,” Lardo said as he tossed her sketchbook filled with doodles of Professor Douche across her bedroom. “Art student and professor? Gag!”_

_“Well, the important thing is that we were all right and you were wrong,” Bitty chirped._

_Lardo smiled and playfully punched him in the arm._

_“And, oh my god, speaking of cliché,” she laughed. “What is going on with your hair?”_

_Bitty stood up and twirled once. “You like?”_

_“That sure is some platinum hair!” Lardo said while Bitty ran his fingers through his hair._

_“Uh,” he said, suddenly nervous, “but do you like? Tell me you like!”_

_Lardo smiled. “It looks ‘swawesome, dude. White hot! Has Jack seen it?”_

_“Not yet. I just got it done last night,” Bitty said. “My head totally burned! I didn’t think it would be so dang stinky. I swear, it left me feeling woozy afterward.”_

_“Well, Jack’s going to flip out in the best possible way when he sees it, Bits.”_

_“When I see what?” Jack asked as he entered the room._

_Jack Zimmermann was the number one jock and star athlete of Samwell. He had just signed with the Bruins--_

__

. 

“I signed with the Bruins?” Jack groaned. “Come on! That doesn’t even make sense. If I’m dating Bits, then why wouldn’t I be with the Falconers?”

“Do you mind?” Holster said as he folded his arms across his chest. “It’s my story and my rules, and you, Jack, signed with the Bruins.”

“That just feels weird…” Jack mumbled as Bitty patted his hand and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

. 

__

_Jack Zimmermann was the number one jock and star athlete of Samwell—but not only that, he was also a mighty fine scholar. He had just signed with the Bruins and was adored by everyone. Of course, Jack only had eyes for his boyfriend, pre-med straight-A student, Eric Dicky Bittle, who was also voted number one baker in New England two years in a row._

_“Who are you and what have you done with my little cabbage?” Jack asked as he pulled Bitty into his arms._

_Bitty giggled. “Oh, just a little something new. It’s cute, right?”_

_Jack whispered into Bitty’s ear, “So hot.”_

_“I should totally fine you two, but right now, I can’t even be bothered to care,” Lardo said._

_“I hope you’ll be peppier this weekend. I told Justin that you were a joy to behold,” Jack said with a smirk._

_“I got your joy right here, hockey boy,” Lardo said and flipped Jack the bird as he chuckled. “I really hope this isn’t a setup.”_

_“He’s handsome,” Jack began, “one of the smartest guys on the campus, and more importantly, Canadian.”_

_Bitty rolled his eyes and playfully smacked Jack on the chest._

_“I mean,” Jack laughed, “more importantly, he’s kind and generous.”_

_“And funny,” Bitty added. “So funny, with cheekbones to die for.”_

_Lardo smiled. “Let’s not get hasty now, no one has to die here.”_

_“Wasn’t he a child star back in Toronto?” Bitty asked._

_Just then they heard the front door slam._

_“You just leave your door open like that? Anyone can just come here and fuck shit up, man,” Shitty yelled from downstairs. “And I have your friend here, Jacko!”_

_Jack grinned and grabbed Lardo’s hand._

_“Come on, let’s go meet Justin.”_

_Bitty prodded Lardo toward the door._

_Shitty Knight stood at the bottom of the stairs with his arm around a somewhat uncomfortable looking Justin Oluransi. Shitty Knight who threw legendary kegsters. Shitty Knight whose secret tub juice recipe was wanted on campuses across New England. Shitty Knight, who was probably high as a kite at that very moment._

_“Justin, meet the fam,” Shitty said. “Fam meet Justin.”_

_“Dude, I know them. You and I, however, just met,” Justin said._

_“No, we’re family now, too, brah.”_

_Justin laughed as everyone else joined them._

_“I see you’ve met Justin,” Jack said. “Everyone, this is Justin. We’re in that Soviet Economic Structures class together. Justin, this Shitty and this is Larissa.”_

_“Lardo,” she quickly intervened._

_“Please, call me Ransom. Only my mom—and Jack—call me Justin. It’s really nice to meet you and thank you guys for letting me crash your weekend,” Ransom said. “I'll just put a disclaimer upfront: I’ll laugh at your in-jokes like I know what’s going on, and I’ll make us all some mean pancakes tomorrow.”_

_“So, who is ready to get this party started?” Shitty asked as he shook his travel mug. “Jackabelle, I see you’ve procured the Winnebago for this excursion. Me likey.”_

_“Papa just said I had to bring it back in one piece,” Jack said as he and Shitty walked to the window and admired the enormous RV parked in front._

_“People in this town drive in a very counterintuitive manner, so be careful on the road, brah. And that's what I have to say about that.”_

_Lardo sidled up next to them as Bitty and Ransom chatted._

_“Are you honestly drinking coffee in that, dude?” Lardo asked._

_Shitty put his arm around Lardo._

_“What do you think, my most excellent purely platonicalistic female friend?”_

__

.

“What the fuck is that all about?” Shitty bellowed.

“What?” Holster asked.

“‘My most excellent purely platonicalistic female friend?’” Shitty said as he quickly glanced at Lardo then back at Holster.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Care to enlighten me, dude?” Holster said with a smirk.

Shitty opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. 

“Also, for the record,” Shitty said, sounding rather put out. “I would never have a travel mug bong. That just seems more trouble than it’s worth. I mean--”

“Dude,” Ransom said, “thanks for making a child star, that’s a nice touch.” 

“I know, man. I got you,” Holster nodded.

.

__

_“What do you think, my most excellent purely platonicalistic friend?” Shitty said and he took the top off of his mug, pulled the body up to expand it, and turned the handle to convert the mug into a full-size bong._

_Shitty took a giant hit and wagged his eyebrows at Lardo who laughed._

_“Shitty, honey,” Bitty called out from the other side of the room, “that's not okay.”_

_“You're not bringing that thing in the Winnebago,” Jack said. “Are you?”_

_“A giant bong in the Bad Bob Zimmervan? Never,” Shitty said as he collapsed the bong back into a travel mug. “Let’s go.”_

_“Well, then,” Jack replied, “a very wise man I know once said, ‘Let’s get this party started.’ So, let’s do that, eh?”_

_**+** _

_The group had been on the road for a couple of hours as Jack expertly maneuvered the large RV. Music played throughout, while Bitty sat in the passenger seat as he fiddled with his phone. He turned toward the inside of the RV so he could see his friends._

_Shitty and Lardo were at the kitchenette table rolling a joint, while Ransom looked at various maps as he sat behind Bitty._

_“I have no signal and no GPS,” Bitty sighed moving his phone around. “This place is officially East Jesus Nowhere, unworthy of global positioning.”_

_“According to this map, there’s a gas station two miles up the road,” Ransom said._

_"Guess we'll stop there, seeing that we need gas," Jack said._

_“Well, I hope this is the right way, ‘cause it looks like this is the only way,” Bitty said as he tossed his phone on the dashboard._

_“But isn’t that the whole point of getting away? We’re off the grid, Bitty Bits. No phones, no GPS, no cameras—a weekend free of everyone’s ass being globally positioned,” Shitty said as he lit up._

_“Here we go,” Bitty chirped._

_“It’s true! We’re all being followed one way or another, whether it’s your phone, street cams, goddamn cookies on browsers,” Shitty took a hit and offered some to Lardo, who declined. “And the only fucking cookies I want, are Bitty’s.”_

_“And then what?” Lardo said, a chirp simmered underneath._

_“And then what? I’ll tell you and then what, missy. And then society continues to crumble. Everything is blogged, tweeted, and shared as the world plunges further and further into darkness. You just see! Society needs to crumble, anyway. We’re all just too chickenshit to let it.”_

_“I’ve missed your rants, man,” Lardo smiled. “And I’ve missed your stash.”_

_She took a quick hit and handed it back to Shitty._

_“So how did we get this place, exactly?” Ransom asked._

_“It’s my cousin’s. He’s into real estate and bought this cabin out in the middle of nowhere. There’s a lake and everything. I don’t think anyone’s ever been there, though,” Jack said._

_“I’ll be drawing flowers, birds and junk all weekend,” Lardo said._

_“Whose junk?” Shitty said with a chirpy grin._

_They finally pulled into what appeared to be the last gas station for a while. It was dilapidated and dirty as detritus filled every surface. The inside appeared to be as empty as it was unwelcoming._

_“Are- are we sure we want to stop here?” Bitty asked, the first to get out of the RV. “This place looks like a tetanus shot waiting to happen.”_

_“What do you mean? It looks totes charming,” Shitty said with a scrunched up face._

_Jack, Ransom, and Lardo exited and looked around._

_“I don’t think this thing takes credit cards,” Jack said as he poked at the ancient gas pump._

_“I think it’s barter gas,” Lardo added._

_“I’ll go check inside,” Ransom said and walked toward the station._

_The inside smelled like stale urine and something else Ransom couldn’t quite place. On the wall were several old knives—rusted and broken—and various oil cans. Trash sat on the floor. Everything was covered in cobwebs. It looked as though someone hadn’t been there in ages._

_“You lost or something?”_

_“Oh shit!” Ransom cried out._

_He turned and saw a decrepit old man, rail-thin, wearing an oily pair of overalls. He leered at Ransom, and sloppily chewed his tobacco._

_Ransom saw the man’s name tag on his bib._

_“Uh, Chad, is it? I don’t mean any harm. We’re just looking to pay for gas? My friends and me?”_

_The man scratched lazily at his face, then spat on the ground._

_“You best better just go home, son, if you know what’s good for you.”_

_“You all right in there?” Jack called from outside._

_Ransom quickly walked out of the station and back toward his friends._

_“Yeah, this, uh, gentleman, was going to help us with gas,” Ransom said, as he joined Jack._

_“Can also give us some directions?” Jack said to Chad, who approached._

_Bitty got closer. “We’re looking for Tillerman Road? Do you know if it’s this way?”_

_The attendant looked Bitty up and down, judgment pouring from his eyes. He looked at Jack then back at Bitty._

_“What a waste,” he muttered._

_Bitty frowned and then took a step back._

_“Tillerman Road takes you up the hills but it dead-ends at the Buckner place,” the old man continued. “You should just turn around and go back where you came from. No one wants your kind around here, anyway.”_

_Shitty stepped forward. “We’re just fine, old-timer.”_

_“You sassin’ me, boy?” Chad said._

_“I think you need to apologize to my friend,” Shitty said as Jack and Ransom quickly came closer._

_“That whore?”_

_"Dude!" Lardo called out._

_Jack was about to step in when Bitty pulled him back._

_“Don’t honey. Just leave it,” he said quietly._

_“We can figure out gas on the way back home. Come on, everyone,” Ransom said._

_“You should mind my words and turn back,” the old man said._

_Everyone began to pile back into the bus, the air feeling thick with uncomfortable tension._

_“Good luck with your business,” Shitty said before the RV pulled away. “You just ooze hospitality, ya creepy fuck.”_

_They rode in silence for a few minutes until Shitty spoke._

_"I gotta say, this town's rest stop leaves something to be desired."_

_And just like that, the tension broke as everyone began to laugh. Bitty raised the volume on the radio and the five began to chat, looking forward to a happy, unplugged weekend away from school, hockey, and life in general._

_Shitty paused to look out of the window._

_“What’s with that helicopter? I feel like it’s been flying over us the last five minutes.”_

_Ransom shrugged. “Maybe there’s an accident nearby?”_

_“Maybe,” Shitty said. He slowly pulled the window’s curtain shut._

_“We almost there?” Lardo called out. “I really have to pee.”_

_“Look!” Bitty said. “There it is!”_

_They arrived at a long driveway and it appeared as though they really were in the middle of nowhere. A large log cabin sat in a clearing. Around it was large trees, their beefy branches swaying in the wind. Behind the cabin, a lake peeked out showing a portion of a wooden dock._

_Jack put the RV in park and smiled. “It reminds me a little bit of the haus, eh?”_

_“A little haus in the woods,” Shitty said as he jumped up and headed toward the door, Lardo followed behind him._

_Jack opened the door with the key that was under the mat and everyone spilled into the living room. The space was dark, dank, and filled with a mish-mosh of plaids, wooden furniture and dusty rugs and curtains. It seemed as though someone hadn’t been there in years._

_“Wow, look at this place,” Lardo said._

_“Your cousin’s interior decorator is something else, brah,” Shitty said as he swept a cobweb from an old lamp._

_“He’s never even stayed here, I don’t think. The furniture came with the place,” Jack replied._

_“I’m glad we brought our own linens,” Bitty said with a frown._

_“It’s going to be fun,” Ransom added. “We’ll go for a swim, eat, drink—it’ll be a blast, right Jack?”_

_“Yeah, absolutely,” Jack said with a smile. “A weekend to remember.”_

_Shitty took off running, “I call dibs on the best room!”_

_Jack smiled. “After you,” he said to Lardo, Bitty and Ransom._

_Lardo settled into her room and placed her backpack on the bed. A puff of dust shot up from the mattress._

_“Sheesh,” she muttered as she punched down on the mattress once. More dust._

_Sure, the rooms left something to be desired, but it was kind of charming… in a Deliverance meets Martha Stewart kind of way. Plus, she was grateful to her friends. Lardo knew the main reason they were out there was to help her get over Professor Douche. And Bitty was right, Ransom was totally easy on the eyes._

_She hopped off the bed and grabbed her backpack. Meanwhile, in the room next door, Ransom unpacked and placed his clothes in the dresser underneath a very large painting. Ransom took a look at it. Was it dogs? He inched closer to get a better look. The painting featured what appeared to be a hunting party. Men with machetes watched as their dogs tore a lamb to pieces. The men were… laughing? It was as unsettling as it was grotesque. Ransom frowned._

_“Yeah, I don't think so,” he said with a shudder._

_He took the painting off the wall and jumped back when he saw Lardo on the other side staring blankly at him._

_“What the fuck?” Ransom said. He waved and Lardo remained still._

_Ransom then realized what it was. It was a two-way mirror. He stood, momentarily in place as Lardo ran her fingers through her hair and examined her teeth._

_Once she began to unbutton her top, however, Ransom snapped into action._

_“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he yelled as he banged on the mirror. “Stop!”_

_Lardo jumped back as she looked at the wall, confused._

_**+** _

_Everyone stood around the mirror in Ransom’s room._

_“Dude, that is creepy as fuck!” Shitty bellowed._

_Bitty had his arm protectively around Lardo._

_“Thank goodness, Justin is a total gentleman and spoke up right away,” he said._

_“Who’d your cousin buy this place from?” Shitty asked. “Voyeurs ‘R Us?”_

_“I don’t know,” Jack said, a deep crinkle sat in between his eyebrows. “We, euh, should check the other rooms, just in case.”_

_They all exited except for Ransom and Lardo._

_“Thanks for not being gross,” Lardo said._

_“Look, I’m no angel but no need to thank me for doing what any decent guy should do. Besides, since Jack and Bitty clearly have designs on you and me, and practically sold you to me for marriage, I gotta play my cards right.”_

_Lardo rolled her eyes at the chirp. “Nice, funny man. Real nice. Yeah, being subtle is not their strong suit, let me tell you.”_

_“Look, I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable all weekend. Let’s just switch room, all right?”_

_“Okay,” Lardo said as she smiled softly at Ransom._

_**+** _

_“Cowabunga!” Shitty called out as Bitty and Lardo ran down the wooden dock, holding hands, and then jumped in the lake._

_“Lord! This is freezing,” Bitty cried out while Lardo playfully splashed him._

_“And that, my dear Bitty Bits,” Shitty said as he sat on the end of the dock, “is why I’m not going in.”_

_“Aw, come on, Shits,” Lardo said as she swam up to Shitty’s feet. “It’s fun.”_

_“So fun!” Ransom said just before gracefully dove in._

_“Brah, that water looks rank. Lotta funky diseases sitting in stagnant lake water,” Shitty said._

_“What? This water?” Lardo replied as she took a mouthful and spat it out back into the lake, like a fancy fountain._

_“It’s all fun and games till we all die, in pain, from cholera,” Shitty shouted at Lardo who, in turn, playfully stuck her tongue out at him._

_Bitty laughed then waved at Jack who walked casually down the dock toward them._

_“This seems like the perfect temp for a hot Canadian,” Bitty called out._

_“Looking good, Bits,” Jack said as he winked at Bitty._

_Jack stood at the edge of the dock and gingerly dipped his toe in._

_“Guess, I’ll just JUMP RIGHT ON IN!” Jack shouted as he cannonballed in._

_Everyone laughed as Shitty wiped water off his face._

_“Real mature, Mr. NHL!” Shitty cried out as everyone frolicked in the lake. “You’re just lucky I’m so gone right now, nothing can harsh my buzz, brah.”_

_Shitty leaned back, closed his eyes, and enjoyed the sunshine, content as he heard his friends swim and laugh nearby._

_After a ton of hot dogs, burgers, Bitty’s apple pie, a couple rounds of beer pong, and two Beyoncé albums later, everyone was feeling sated and utterly mellowed out. There was a lovely sort of content silence in the room until Jack spoke up._

_“All right!” Jack barked. “This is getting boring, let’s get serious, man.”_

_“This is boring?” Shitty asked, pointing at Bitty dancing on the coffee table._

_“I’m not bored,” he said. “Are you, Ransom?”_

_Ransom was at the keg, getting another beer._

_“I’m not bored either. I’m pleased as punch,” he replied._

_“Well I am,” Jack countered. “So let’s play something.”_

_“Truth or dare?” Lardo suggested._

_“Yes!” Jack said. He threw some finger guns at Lardo. “YES!”_

_"This taste weird to anyone?" Ransom asked after he took another sip of his beer. "Like a little skunky? Or chemically?"_

_"We picked up the keg yesterday. It should be fresh, brah," Shitty said as he took another hit from his bowl. He then took another swig of beer, swished it around, and swallowed. "A most fine bouquet."_

_“All right then, Bits," Lardo called out._

_"Yes?" he said, as he stopped mid-gyration._

_"“You’re first. I dare you to make out with that wolf,” Lardo said._

_They all turned to look at the creepy taxidermied wolf head on the wall. Its blue eyes looked angry and intense as its expression was forever frozen in a wild snarl._

_Bitty chugged the rest of his beer, hopped off the coffee table, and put down his red plastic cup._

_“Fine by me,” he said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand._

_He sauntered up to the wolf and smiled shyly._

_“I noticed you lookin’ at me, and I hope you noticed me lookin’ at you, handsome.”_

_Lardo hooted, “Get some, Bits.”_

_“Do you come here often?" He said as he got on his tiptoes and flung an arm around the wolf’s neck. "Or are you just hanging around?”_

_Jack laughed and covered his eyes. “Oh boy.”_

_Bitty slowly leaned and parted his lips as he pressed a very messy kiss onto the wolf's mouth._

_"I'm not sure if I should be impressed or grossed out?" Ransom said as everyone watched._

_"Jesus, Jack. He do that to you?" Lardo asked grinning as he pointed at Bitty._

_Jack quickly drank his beer and shouted, "Yeah, Bits!"_

_"Ten out of ten, Dicky!" Shitty clapped._

_Bitty pulled away and took a bow, as everyone else joined Shitty in applause._

_"Oh, stop, y'all! It wasn't all that," he said as he took another bow._

_"That's my boy," Jack called. He jumped off the couch and swooped Bitty into his arms as he smacked his butt. "And if you hear a wolf howling later tonight, just be sure to stay out of our room."_

_"Ew, no thanks," Lardo said as Shitty gave them a thumbs down and pinched his nose._

_"Unwanted deets are unwanted deets, brah," Shitty quickly added._

_"I had no idea Jack this wild," Ransom said._

_“He’s not,” Shitty said as briefly studied Jack. “I swear to you, he’s not.”_

_"Dude, you're usually so reserved in class," Ransom said as Jack flipped him off._

_"Okay, then," Bitty began ignoring the scene going on behind him. "Lardo, T or D?"_

_Jack rolled her eyes. "She's gonna go with truth, watch."_

_"Hey!" Lardo began to protest when suddenly the cellar door blew open._

_“What the hell is that?” Shitty asked._

_A gust of wind plumed up through the hole in the floor._

_Lardo carefully walked toward it. “The cellar door?”_

_“I thought that shit was locked,” Shitty said as he peered over Lardo’s shoulder._

_The entire group huddled together and stared into the darkness below. They could see some stairs, just barely lit, which lead below._

_“We should check it out,” Jack said._

_“We? How about no,” Shitty added._

_“Well, don’t you want to know what’s down there?” Bitty asked._

_“Not really,” Shitty said. “Hard no! I have no desire to finally get an answer to the one person or one thousand cockroaches question, okay?”_

_“Uh, Lardo? I dare you to go see what’s down there,” Bitty added._

_Lardo shook her head. “Seriously, Bits? Fine, but you’re coming with me!”_

_“Let’s all go down,” Ransom added._

_Lardo led the way as she entered the cellar. It was dark and humid, and Lardo could see a string hanging in front of her face when she stood at the top step. She pulled on it, and a dim light turned on in the cellar below. Shitty, Ransom, Jack, and Bitty followed closely behind._

_They weren’t sure what they would expect to find down there, but it certainly wasn’t what they finally saw. All around them was a collection of curios, objects, odds, and ends. A long wooden table in the middle of the cellar filled with various items. Each one different, and in its own way, creepy._

_“What the fuck?” Shitty said in a whisper. “It’s like a Haunted Antiques Roadshow down here.”_

_Rusty tools hung from the wall, an old Victrola sat in the corner, a dressmaker’s mannequin stood covered with soot and dust. On its neck sat a vintage cameo necklace. A daguerreotype of a young woman dressed in what appeared to be Regency attire hung on the wall next to the table._

_“Look at all this,” Bitty said as he walked around slowly._

_“I'm not sure it's awesome to be down here,” Shitty said as he was well and thoroughly ignored. “This is some big time fucked up Scooby-Doo nonsense, and I ain’t falling for it.”_

_“I can’t help myself. I have to look at this stuff,” Ransom said with a confused expression as Lardo studied the Regency portrait._

_They each spread out and explored the cellar. Ransom looked over several toys that were strewn across the cellar floor and paused in front of a music box. He picked it up and looked at it intensely and slowly opened it. A tiny ceramic ballerina sat inside the music box, frozen in time._

_“Does your cousin collect antiques or something?” Ransom asked as he looked over his shoulder, toward Jack._

_“Not that I know of,” Jack said as he picked up a bright white conch from the table. It felt heavy in his hand, yet he didn’t want to put it down. He finally did when he saw an ornate wooden sphere. It appeared to be a puzzle of some sort as it was filled with inlaid rings, grooves, and intricately carved buttons. “Somehow, I don’t think this is his stuff, man.”_

_Bitty took the necklace from the mannequin and gently touched the cameo. He ran his fingertip along the carved edges._

_“My great-grandma had one like this,” he said as he began to unhook the fastener. “I remember always wanting to wear it… but never could.”_

_Shitty was suddenly just as intrigued as everyone else when he spotted a super-8 projector._

_“Look at this thing! I think I just got a hipster boner,” he said._

_A stack of film reels sat next to it. He picked up one and began to unspool it—but suddenly stopped himself._

_“Brahs, we shouldn’t be down here. It just… doesn’t feel right,” he said._

_A faint voice called out, “Do it.”_

_“What the fuck was that?” Shitty said as he spun around trying to find the source of the voice. “Did you hear that?”_

_Bitty looked over at Shitty, the necklace tightly in his grip. “I didn’t hear anything.”_

_Lardo, meanwhile, was still mesmerized by the painting of the young girl. “I just want to touch it, you know? Look at the brush strokes on this thing.”_

_Ransom began to wind the crank on the music box, just as Jack began to twist the spherical puzzle and Bitty stroked the necklace against his cheek._

_“Maybe we should go back upstairs,” Shitty said alarmed. “I dare you all to go upstairs?!”_

_Lardo turned away from the painting when she heard Shitty’s protest._

_“Dude, it’s okay--” she began, then paused. She walked toward the table as something caught her eye. “A diary?”_

_She dusted it off and read the cover._

_“Diary of Patience Buckner, 1903.”_

_“Are you for real?” Ransom asked. “Wow.”_

_Everyone stopped what they were doing, put down their item, and walked toward Lardo as she began to read._

_“‘Father was cross with me and said I lacked the true faith. He did not give me my dose and he turned his eyes from me at supper.’”_

_“Dose of what?” Bitty asked._

_Lardo shrugged._

_“‘Father said I have to give in to the pain, but I do not want to. As punishment, we had to make a dozen more pies today with the extra ingredient. No one else in town knows of the secret ingredient, but I do. We all do,’” Lardo continued as she read from the diary._

_“1903, you said?” Jack asked._

_“Uh-huh.” Lardo flipped through the pages. “There’s more. ‘I wish I could prove my devotion, as Judah and Matthew proved on those travelers. Our pies were very delicious that night.’”_

_“Pies?” Bitty asked with a frown. “What kind of pies?”_

_Lardo held up a finger, and read on, “Mama screamed through the night. I prayed and prayed that she might find faith, but she only stopped when papa cut her belly and stuffed the coals in."_

_She stopped and surveyed the room. Everyone was dead silent as Lardo forged ahead._

_“‘I want to understand the glory of the pain like Matthew—and cutting the flesh makes him have a husband's bulge and I do not get like that.’"_

_“Jeez, can we press the pause button on this?” Shitty asked._

_“Go on,” Jack said._

_“Why?” Shitty asked. “Why do any of this? This isn’t fun, okay. Let’s just go upstairs.”_

_Jack was about to speak when a slight gust of wind came by and his eyes fluttered shut._

_“Go on,” he said again more resolutely. “And if you don’t like it, you can go upstairs and smoke your life away, Shits. No big change there, man.”_

_“Damn, Jack. Harsh much?” Shitty cried out. “All I’m saying is maybe we should, uh, I don't know, not read that shit?!”_

_“There’s something in, uh, Latin, I think?” Lardo said._

_“Lemme see, I can read some Latin,” Ransom said._

_“Of course, you would, you nerd,” Jack said._

_“Guys!” Shitty shouted. “I draw the fucking line at reading Latin. Haven’t any of you seen enough horror movies to know that shit can’t be any good?”_

_“Uh, maybe Shitty is right?” Bitty said._

_“Bits,” Jack said._

_“But then again, Jack’s right, too! All the time!”_

_Shitty stared at them both and shook his head. “The fuck?”_

_Ransom looked at the diary and said, “It’s something about pain? I’m not sure.”_

_She read the final bit out loud. “‘Dolor supervivo caro. Dolor sublimis caro.”_

_Lardo closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she shut the diary. Suddenly, something in the air felt different. Very different._

_A transmutation of some sort occurred, although no one in the basement knew how or what had changed but a sense of dread, deep dread, filled the cellar._

**Author's Note:**

> Come and [say hi on Tumblr](https://wrathofthestag.tumblr.com/).
> 
> All OMGCP characters belong to Ngozi Ukazu.


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